I am my own doom
Oct. 13th, 2009 05:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
higure
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I would like to say, that I don´t imagine how others will react. But that would be a lie. Actually maybe only a half of it.
I am no professional. Last time someone tried to teach me something about writing (creative or not) was in high school and that is 5 years ago. Some people back then said I wrote well, that I had imagination, that what I wrote was interesting. Well that was high school, life was easy and I didn´t care about those comments pass the grade it earned me. I always wrote poetry, I loved to do it, it was my emotional filter and I had friends whit which I would meet up and we would read our own stuff to each other. They went to study language in one form or another and they had much more talent than I did and they were free. I never really liked free rhyme. I never really progressed and I lost my illusion. I didn´t have to look far away to see that my writing is shallow, my creativity is limited and I am too bound by my own prejudice. I went to study law. I write contracts, I write briefs I don´t do art. The meetings stopped very soon after high school ended. Not the writing. I just do it for me and for me only, selfishly and freely in my own confined way.
Ok. back to the issue at hand. As Crys, who is to blame for this post, calls it I am raw. My first fan fiction was written during a boring class that lasted 90 minutes. I browsed prompts for Tatsuyathon first 30 minutes of it and managed to finish the story by the end of the class. It had 2466 words. So I am impulsive, usually write a fic in one go and have a very little inclination to change anything once it is done. I never stopped writing poetry, I wrote few original stories (some of them only in my head) and fan fiction became just another way of filtering my emotions. Only this time, someone else got to read it. The reason why I wrote my second and third is because people were incredibly nice to me and encouraged me and some even said it was good. So I wrote some more. I love my fandom :) And i might be a bit of a narcist. Who doesn´t seek an approval?
Now I am more conscious about what I write, about my characterizations, about my style, my format. Not because of me, because I don´t care. Once I finish writing, the fiction fulfill its mission. It may become a reason why I am able to keep an acquaintance or why I am able to keep silent and not fight back my mom. It is done. Then I look at it and read through it and “fix it” for my readers. I think about how the others will react. Still this is me, this is my style, my fantasy, my characters, my world. If you don´t like it, don´t read it, it is your prerogative. I am happy if you do read, if you leave me a comment. I would love someone telling me what is wrong with my fiction and looking back at it I might agree. Or I might not.
I haven´t got much negative comments on my writing. That doesn´t make me a good author. It probably makes me a forgettable and a poor one. One that is not worth of criticism. The critique probably thinks I would not listen or improve anyway. The way to hurt me is to not comment at all. When a fic gets only a comment or two, that´s when I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love.
I reread my old stuff, try not to repeat the mistake I think I made and worry. Worry what others will think. But most of the time I am too stubborn to change my work, only because I think some of you might not like it. This is why I write freely and raw. And then I rant to my sis, all scared no one will think it is any good, that people will think it sucks, about how anxious I am to put it out there. So really I am a stubborn hypocrite. I want approval, I think of others reactions, but I am not willing to compromise. Most of the time.
Now this all changes a bit when I write for someone else specifically and I guess that´s when I improve the most. I research, I read other authors, I bend myself, I try to attend to this person´s needs, I try to fulfill the task I am given, I try to give pleasure. Still I tend to say my works in progress take over me, rule over me and I can´t really control them. Finding a balance is hard. As with anything.
When I read Crys´ post, what stuck in my mind was her talking about no-no´s of writing, of fandom. I don´t know about them, or I ignore them. If someone does tell me about them, either I consider them a constructive criticism and then I will try to take them into consideration or I think they are personal opinions of someone who just doesn´t like my world and I forget them. Even in life I have a philosophy of “bad memory”: I think humans should have bad memory and very selective one, it is useless to dwell on past wrongs and hurtful things. They only make the present bitter. If I am to remember something, be it the good points. I am not saying this is a right way to live and sometimes it is really a hard way to live. But it definitely applies to my raw, completely unprofessional, totally personal and random writing. I write because it is fun, because it keeps me standing and sometimes because one of you challenges me to (by asking, by whining, by something trivial you say).
So I do think about other people´s reaction, but I do not dwell on them and I am the only one who can bring myself down, or who can make myself get better.
Do I make sense here? Is this what the question was? This again is only my raw scribbles without much of premises. Now it is your turn. Because I too am curious right now.
I would like to say, that I don´t imagine how others will react. But that would be a lie. Actually maybe only a half of it.
I am no professional. Last time someone tried to teach me something about writing (creative or not) was in high school and that is 5 years ago. Some people back then said I wrote well, that I had imagination, that what I wrote was interesting. Well that was high school, life was easy and I didn´t care about those comments pass the grade it earned me. I always wrote poetry, I loved to do it, it was my emotional filter and I had friends whit which I would meet up and we would read our own stuff to each other. They went to study language in one form or another and they had much more talent than I did and they were free. I never really liked free rhyme. I never really progressed and I lost my illusion. I didn´t have to look far away to see that my writing is shallow, my creativity is limited and I am too bound by my own prejudice. I went to study law. I write contracts, I write briefs I don´t do art. The meetings stopped very soon after high school ended. Not the writing. I just do it for me and for me only, selfishly and freely in my own confined way.
Ok. back to the issue at hand. As Crys, who is to blame for this post, calls it I am raw. My first fan fiction was written during a boring class that lasted 90 minutes. I browsed prompts for Tatsuyathon first 30 minutes of it and managed to finish the story by the end of the class. It had 2466 words. So I am impulsive, usually write a fic in one go and have a very little inclination to change anything once it is done. I never stopped writing poetry, I wrote few original stories (some of them only in my head) and fan fiction became just another way of filtering my emotions. Only this time, someone else got to read it. The reason why I wrote my second and third is because people were incredibly nice to me and encouraged me and some even said it was good. So I wrote some more. I love my fandom :) And i might be a bit of a narcist. Who doesn´t seek an approval?
Now I am more conscious about what I write, about my characterizations, about my style, my format. Not because of me, because I don´t care. Once I finish writing, the fiction fulfill its mission. It may become a reason why I am able to keep an acquaintance or why I am able to keep silent and not fight back my mom. It is done. Then I look at it and read through it and “fix it” for my readers. I think about how the others will react. Still this is me, this is my style, my fantasy, my characters, my world. If you don´t like it, don´t read it, it is your prerogative. I am happy if you do read, if you leave me a comment. I would love someone telling me what is wrong with my fiction and looking back at it I might agree. Or I might not.
I haven´t got much negative comments on my writing. That doesn´t make me a good author. It probably makes me a forgettable and a poor one. One that is not worth of criticism. The critique probably thinks I would not listen or improve anyway. The way to hurt me is to not comment at all. When a fic gets only a comment or two, that´s when I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love.
I reread my old stuff, try not to repeat the mistake I think I made and worry. Worry what others will think. But most of the time I am too stubborn to change my work, only because I think some of you might not like it. This is why I write freely and raw. And then I rant to my sis, all scared no one will think it is any good, that people will think it sucks, about how anxious I am to put it out there. So really I am a stubborn hypocrite. I want approval, I think of others reactions, but I am not willing to compromise. Most of the time.
Now this all changes a bit when I write for someone else specifically and I guess that´s when I improve the most. I research, I read other authors, I bend myself, I try to attend to this person´s needs, I try to fulfill the task I am given, I try to give pleasure. Still I tend to say my works in progress take over me, rule over me and I can´t really control them. Finding a balance is hard. As with anything.
When I read Crys´ post, what stuck in my mind was her talking about no-no´s of writing, of fandom. I don´t know about them, or I ignore them. If someone does tell me about them, either I consider them a constructive criticism and then I will try to take them into consideration or I think they are personal opinions of someone who just doesn´t like my world and I forget them. Even in life I have a philosophy of “bad memory”: I think humans should have bad memory and very selective one, it is useless to dwell on past wrongs and hurtful things. They only make the present bitter. If I am to remember something, be it the good points. I am not saying this is a right way to live and sometimes it is really a hard way to live. But it definitely applies to my raw, completely unprofessional, totally personal and random writing. I write because it is fun, because it keeps me standing and sometimes because one of you challenges me to (by asking, by whining, by something trivial you say).
So I do think about other people´s reaction, but I do not dwell on them and I am the only one who can bring myself down, or who can make myself get better.
Do I make sense here? Is this what the question was? This again is only my raw scribbles without much of premises. Now it is your turn. Because I too am curious right now.
