higure: ((KAT-TUN) Ueda what?)
Today, the day has come for me to be name dropped on a hate meme.

Maybe some other day, I would just shrug it off and move on. But today, it wasn’t the best of Mondays, so I got upset over it.

I mean, I always thought that if I should ever be relevant enough for one of these memes, it would be because of my modding attempts. Otherwise, I feel quite irrelevant in fandom. The last fic I posted out of exchange, for example, got no comments. But I’m not the most lenient mod, and sometimes I wonder if I’m not taking “fandom responsibilities” a bit too far – compared to how some other people view them. But surprisingly, even after the harsher mod runs (and I had a few) people always stayed classy, and I never had a reason to second guess my mod decisions because someone dished them on a hate meme and everyone joined the bandwagon as it happens.

But today someone actually, very helpfully, LINKED me to a silly name drop of mine. And after 4 years of happy fandom oblivion, the one thing that got me mentioned is purely an association with ONE of my friends.

I am a big girl. I’m 26, and perfectly fine with deciding for myself who I’m friends with. What really upsets me is to be defined solely based on the people I associate with. And what upsets me even more is that basically whole KAT-TUN fandom apparently is defined by this. So really, I was upset because there were my friends being talked mean about, there was this whole notion of KAT-TUN fandom being judged, and then there was me being . . . what was it exactly? Looked down on because I don’t know any better?

KAT-TUN fandom is so small lately. Or so I feel. Please stop kicking it while it’s on the ground. I like it; I don’t want people second guessing their involvement because of anything, no matter how insignificant the thread on a hate meme might seem in a big picture.

As for me. I don’t think this is a case and I have faith in my friends. BUT I would like to ask anyone who has issues with me being friends with different people to defriend me. As sad as it is, I would rather not have you on my friends’ list than to have you judging me because of my other friends or even worse to have you pitying me because I am somehow blind or incompetent and can’t chose my friends well.

For all I know, this was one person, and this person doesn’t even know me and just saw me on FTF or Jent or during some exchange posting. But this has been eating away on me because it just has been one of those days.

For what it is worth, you are all my friends because I want you to be, and GREAT chances are I was the one friending you. I really do hope you can like me even if I am easily susceptible to fandom favors.

higure: (Ryo Code)
So, while the fandom is learning about the BIG NEWS cooked in the KAT-TUN kitchen, [livejournal.com profile] fic_the_faith continues to post. Let me just say that the community is so so so pretty. Also people have been totally sweet about commenting <3

I don´t have an emo icon.

i should probably say THIS IS NOT BETAed

Right I am reading mostly the shorter fics, kind of, in between writing my thesis and dying. I am so totally tired and whiped that I have become an emotional wreck. I am letting my phone die so my mother doesn´t call me to ask how many pages and consultations I have gone through, anymore. My only civilization is lunch time with my friend who too spends her time doing nothing but writing. We rant for 20 minutes eating school canteen food and go back. My freaking roommate turns off the light at 10 pm so I am squinting over a small lamp, she grunts and tosses like crazy until I go to sleep, making me feel like a guilty bitch. My eyes are hurting from staring at my pc and books for about 20 hours a day and they revert to the unseeing ones from about three weeks back time to time. The deadline is next Wednesday, which means Thursday as it has to be printed out and put into a hard binnd. I don´t think it is happening, but it seems I will be trying until the very end. Sorry if I am random, or do not pay attention or anything. I seriously kind of am on the edge. Don´t know what kind of edge. I need this month to just end. Someone hacked/stole my mac address and have been downloading idk what (but probably porn, knowing idiots living in this dorm) usng my account. They turned my internet off on Friday. I had a major freak out, since there is about zillion ECJ or CJEU or whatever decisions online, that I just have on tabs all day long. I hacked myself back through university cache. The moment they officially turned me back on, the same person (or I think so) did it again, but managed to stop just short of 3GB and then today again. I now have a brand new fake mac address, and am waiting how long it will take them to get it. The administrators told me to get a bandwith tracker and stop downloading movies when I see I am close to 3GB. I do not swear. Fuck!

To make this post a bit idk with a point. ftf Fic for me, Maruda, kind of ...
Fix for Vix, it feels weird linking it before she even got to read it, but I love it too much. The way it is written is about how I feel right now. Right did I mention my emotions are out of control? Right, I cried over that story like a stupid girl.

I hate how one thesis on something I have read tons of articles on, something that I enjoy and am good at is turning me into a feeble creature trembling in a corner of her own insecurities. Guys I have never ever not managed my school. I can´t even look at it anymore. And I feel like a complete failure because until one point I was on top of this piece of complete ...

right. 6 more days to go
higure: (L saves the world)
Sorry for spamming when I said I would post less. Sorry if this is cryptic, it is not really meant for anyone in particular, it is just a warning for the future.

I have no idea if I come across as a nice or a mean person, if I come across as someone who argues and bickers and hurts people. I have no idea what all of you expect of me on daily basis.

To address this before it eats me alive. As much as I love you all and try to be tolerating, understanding, try not to let my own opinions, believes and standpoints get into a way of seeing yours in a neutral way, sometimes I fail.

I have days when everything piles up and I get sad, I cry and I am angry. I am a bitch on those days. Mostly I crawl under a rock and play some music, read a book, get back to normal and all is fine. But sometimes I still end up being a bitch.

If on a such a day you talk to me and we happen to disagree I will tell you. I will tell you you are making me sad, angry, mad, pissed of. I will tell you so bluntly. I will tell you not to push me and to leave it be. I will warn you about me being in a fool mood. I will ask you to just not elaborate on a subject on which we disagree. Because if you keep going I will be nasty.

Please listen to me on that day. Please tolerate my far from perfect personality and leave whatever it is we are arguing over be. On those days it´s hard to see your side of the story and my is dark and hostile. Leave it until I feel better and am ready to understand and tolerate again. Please, please, please ...

These days do not happen often and when they do they are bad. I will never tell you what to do on those days again, because I am ashamed of myself. I am nowhere near proud of myself for having to tell you today.

Please ...


higure: (Default)

September 2013

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