higure

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

A moment of deep thoughts:
A year ago, my journal was still empty, I was a lurker. My first post came on January 3rd and was telling a story of a food shopping for our New Years Eve party. Which was awesome last year, by the way. It involved Yamapi giving power to girls cutting ham in a supermarket.

It took me about two more months to post my first fan-fiction. It´s been a blast ever since. But … Livejournal has become another place where I met people, created relationships and thus expectations. When I was posting my first fics, I was doing it because everyone was but I couldn´t care less what people thought about them. The worst that could happen was that no one would like them, read them.

Now I write for people who read them as well. And suddenly I feel the pressure every time I post. As much as the process didn´t change, I still write for myself mainly, as much as my story kind serves its purpose the moment I write the ending, her after life has changed. And I am afraid I disappoint you. Because you have read something, liked something I wrote before and this one just might not be up the par. There are days when my writing is bright, clever, creative. But there are days when I write about nothing, there is no plot, no originality, just a stream of words. A very long one at that.

I don´t care how many comments I get. Each and every one of them makes me super happy. What I care about is not letting people down. Living up to the expectations of my friends. I sometimes wonder how it would feel to be one of those human beings who don´t create any expectations. Who disappoint people to the extent that no one ever expects anything of them anymore. I have a friend like that. I love him, but he never comes through for me when I need it the most, so I never wait for him to do so. And when finally he manages to do something like that, when he manages to support me, I am surprised and happy. But isn´t it all so twisted, really?

No more rant. I love you all. I am glad I have met you over the past year and I am carrying the responsibility for your expectations with sense of pride over the fact you place them on me. I am very sorry if I ever disappoint you. I thank you for sticking by my side even when I do. ♥ Because sometimes I just forget about them and am selfish and completely myself and I ignore the nagging that says people might not like this, might be disappointed by this. Thank you for expecting but at the same time being my safe port, where, if I need to, there is no pressure, no expectations. I have written this when there was probably too much of expectations around me in real life. I am linking and telling you, I am glad I have my own Ueda or Ryo in every single one of you XDDD

THANK YOU!!!!

Now, love and adoration meme.
♥ Dear

creamy_amande . You have been my first personal LJ friend, you welcomed me, talked to me, left awesome comments on every single fic and personal post and made me feel warm and fuzzy and loved and valued and I try to give it back.
♥ I adore how you fight with your moods and flaws and how you always come through for me.
♥ I love how you try for your fandom and for your friends and still stay open and indulge the slight elitist in me when I need to ;D
♥ You are awesome for accepting me and my crazy, for letting my sister tag alone, for being so selfless and willing to translate: “Please contact our service centre in case of any faulty behavior.” XDDDD
♥ Amandine sends me to sleep and worries over me like mother Koyama. I adore how she never gets tired of it and tolerates me not listening to her.
♥ Her MSN emoji are the best.

♥ I really love Amandine and I can´t put it into coherent words. But I hope we manage to meet one day to flail and walk around Japan town in Paris XDDDD
♥ AAA club deserves a mention here! We are a destiny!!! Or something less cheesy along those lines, because I am not a fatalist really.

And you thought I forgot.