I am my own doom
Oct. 13th, 2009 05:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
higure
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I would like to say, that I don´t imagine how others will react. But that would be a lie. Actually maybe only a half of it.
I am no professional. Last time someone tried to teach me something about writing (creative or not) was in high school and that is 5 years ago. Some people back then said I wrote well, that I had imagination, that what I wrote was interesting. Well that was high school, life was easy and I didn´t care about those comments pass the grade it earned me. I always wrote poetry, I loved to do it, it was my emotional filter and I had friends whit which I would meet up and we would read our own stuff to each other. They went to study language in one form or another and they had much more talent than I did and they were free. I never really liked free rhyme. I never really progressed and I lost my illusion. I didn´t have to look far away to see that my writing is shallow, my creativity is limited and I am too bound by my own prejudice. I went to study law. I write contracts, I write briefs I don´t do art. The meetings stopped very soon after high school ended. Not the writing. I just do it for me and for me only, selfishly and freely in my own confined way.
Ok. back to the issue at hand. As Crys, who is to blame for this post, calls it I am raw. My first fan fiction was written during a boring class that lasted 90 minutes. I browsed prompts for Tatsuyathon first 30 minutes of it and managed to finish the story by the end of the class. It had 2466 words. So I am impulsive, usually write a fic in one go and have a very little inclination to change anything once it is done. I never stopped writing poetry, I wrote few original stories (some of them only in my head) and fan fiction became just another way of filtering my emotions. Only this time, someone else got to read it. The reason why I wrote my second and third is because people were incredibly nice to me and encouraged me and some even said it was good. So I wrote some more. I love my fandom :) And i might be a bit of a narcist. Who doesn´t seek an approval?
Now I am more conscious about what I write, about my characterizations, about my style, my format. Not because of me, because I don´t care. Once I finish writing, the fiction fulfill its mission. It may become a reason why I am able to keep an acquaintance or why I am able to keep silent and not fight back my mom. It is done. Then I look at it and read through it and “fix it” for my readers. I think about how the others will react. Still this is me, this is my style, my fantasy, my characters, my world. If you don´t like it, don´t read it, it is your prerogative. I am happy if you do read, if you leave me a comment. I would love someone telling me what is wrong with my fiction and looking back at it I might agree. Or I might not.
I haven´t got much negative comments on my writing. That doesn´t make me a good author. It probably makes me a forgettable and a poor one. One that is not worth of criticism. The critique probably thinks I would not listen or improve anyway. The way to hurt me is to not comment at all. When a fic gets only a comment or two, that´s when I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love.
I reread my old stuff, try not to repeat the mistake I think I made and worry. Worry what others will think. But most of the time I am too stubborn to change my work, only because I think some of you might not like it. This is why I write freely and raw. And then I rant to my sis, all scared no one will think it is any good, that people will think it sucks, about how anxious I am to put it out there. So really I am a stubborn hypocrite. I want approval, I think of others reactions, but I am not willing to compromise. Most of the time.
Now this all changes a bit when I write for someone else specifically and I guess that´s when I improve the most. I research, I read other authors, I bend myself, I try to attend to this person´s needs, I try to fulfill the task I am given, I try to give pleasure. Still I tend to say my works in progress take over me, rule over me and I can´t really control them. Finding a balance is hard. As with anything.
When I read Crys´ post, what stuck in my mind was her talking about no-no´s of writing, of fandom. I don´t know about them, or I ignore them. If someone does tell me about them, either I consider them a constructive criticism and then I will try to take them into consideration or I think they are personal opinions of someone who just doesn´t like my world and I forget them. Even in life I have a philosophy of “bad memory”: I think humans should have bad memory and very selective one, it is useless to dwell on past wrongs and hurtful things. They only make the present bitter. If I am to remember something, be it the good points. I am not saying this is a right way to live and sometimes it is really a hard way to live. But it definitely applies to my raw, completely unprofessional, totally personal and random writing. I write because it is fun, because it keeps me standing and sometimes because one of you challenges me to (by asking, by whining, by something trivial you say).
So I do think about other people´s reaction, but I do not dwell on them and I am the only one who can bring myself down, or who can make myself get better.
Do I make sense here? Is this what the question was? This again is only my raw scribbles without much of premises. Now it is your turn. Because I too am curious right now.
I would like to say, that I don´t imagine how others will react. But that would be a lie. Actually maybe only a half of it.
I am no professional. Last time someone tried to teach me something about writing (creative or not) was in high school and that is 5 years ago. Some people back then said I wrote well, that I had imagination, that what I wrote was interesting. Well that was high school, life was easy and I didn´t care about those comments pass the grade it earned me. I always wrote poetry, I loved to do it, it was my emotional filter and I had friends whit which I would meet up and we would read our own stuff to each other. They went to study language in one form or another and they had much more talent than I did and they were free. I never really liked free rhyme. I never really progressed and I lost my illusion. I didn´t have to look far away to see that my writing is shallow, my creativity is limited and I am too bound by my own prejudice. I went to study law. I write contracts, I write briefs I don´t do art. The meetings stopped very soon after high school ended. Not the writing. I just do it for me and for me only, selfishly and freely in my own confined way.
Ok. back to the issue at hand. As Crys, who is to blame for this post, calls it I am raw. My first fan fiction was written during a boring class that lasted 90 minutes. I browsed prompts for Tatsuyathon first 30 minutes of it and managed to finish the story by the end of the class. It had 2466 words. So I am impulsive, usually write a fic in one go and have a very little inclination to change anything once it is done. I never stopped writing poetry, I wrote few original stories (some of them only in my head) and fan fiction became just another way of filtering my emotions. Only this time, someone else got to read it. The reason why I wrote my second and third is because people were incredibly nice to me and encouraged me and some even said it was good. So I wrote some more. I love my fandom :) And i might be a bit of a narcist. Who doesn´t seek an approval?
Now I am more conscious about what I write, about my characterizations, about my style, my format. Not because of me, because I don´t care. Once I finish writing, the fiction fulfill its mission. It may become a reason why I am able to keep an acquaintance or why I am able to keep silent and not fight back my mom. It is done. Then I look at it and read through it and “fix it” for my readers. I think about how the others will react. Still this is me, this is my style, my fantasy, my characters, my world. If you don´t like it, don´t read it, it is your prerogative. I am happy if you do read, if you leave me a comment. I would love someone telling me what is wrong with my fiction and looking back at it I might agree. Or I might not.
I haven´t got much negative comments on my writing. That doesn´t make me a good author. It probably makes me a forgettable and a poor one. One that is not worth of criticism. The critique probably thinks I would not listen or improve anyway. The way to hurt me is to not comment at all. When a fic gets only a comment or two, that´s when I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love.
I reread my old stuff, try not to repeat the mistake I think I made and worry. Worry what others will think. But most of the time I am too stubborn to change my work, only because I think some of you might not like it. This is why I write freely and raw. And then I rant to my sis, all scared no one will think it is any good, that people will think it sucks, about how anxious I am to put it out there. So really I am a stubborn hypocrite. I want approval, I think of others reactions, but I am not willing to compromise. Most of the time.
Now this all changes a bit when I write for someone else specifically and I guess that´s when I improve the most. I research, I read other authors, I bend myself, I try to attend to this person´s needs, I try to fulfill the task I am given, I try to give pleasure. Still I tend to say my works in progress take over me, rule over me and I can´t really control them. Finding a balance is hard. As with anything.
When I read Crys´ post, what stuck in my mind was her talking about no-no´s of writing, of fandom. I don´t know about them, or I ignore them. If someone does tell me about them, either I consider them a constructive criticism and then I will try to take them into consideration or I think they are personal opinions of someone who just doesn´t like my world and I forget them. Even in life I have a philosophy of “bad memory”: I think humans should have bad memory and very selective one, it is useless to dwell on past wrongs and hurtful things. They only make the present bitter. If I am to remember something, be it the good points. I am not saying this is a right way to live and sometimes it is really a hard way to live. But it definitely applies to my raw, completely unprofessional, totally personal and random writing. I write because it is fun, because it keeps me standing and sometimes because one of you challenges me to (by asking, by whining, by something trivial you say).
So I do think about other people´s reaction, but I do not dwell on them and I am the only one who can bring myself down, or who can make myself get better.
Do I make sense here? Is this what the question was? This again is only my raw scribbles without much of premises. Now it is your turn. Because I too am curious right now.
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no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 07:33 pm (UTC)i envy you for being able to brush off concrit and welcome it. i have never been able to accept it and so i have a policy against it, because i would rather be blissfully ignorant than remember that negativity for the rest of my life. at least if something is mentioned in passing on a friend's post or in conversation, there's a chance i will forget about it. but fic reviews last forever, even if i physically delete them.
the only other thing i want to address is your assumption that the number of comments is preportionate to how well the fic was written. especially if you write less popular pairings, there aren't going to be many people who read the fic in the first place, let alone decide to comment on it. i almost never comment on fic unless it's for me, or something in it strikes me as particularly memorable. that doesn't mean i didn't like it. you can look at my rec list of probably 500 fics and see that i commented to maybe 20. if that makes me a horrible person, i'm sorry, but i'm not going to make excuses for not commenting. maybe i was busy, maybe i was tired. maybe i was feeling like ass and didn't want to unleash my pissiness in my comment.
what i'm trying to say is not that you're wrong for thinking that way, but that it's actually possible that either not many people read it for whatever reasons or that they didn't have time/desire to comment, and that doesn't reflect badly on the fic at all. i like to look at it like everyone who commented took a couple minutes (or for me, a half hour XD) out of their busy days to not only read my fic, but to comment and tell me what they liked about it. at the end of the day i do write for myself or whoever i'm writing for, so it's always surprising to me when people i don't know comment positively. it makes up for all the negativity i've experienced in the past.
that was an essay, sorry. ^^ i sincerely hope that you stay "raw" in your writing and never become jaded like me. XD
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 08:05 pm (UTC)Writing as an emotional filter - writing means creating
a whole new world, and I am sure I am not the only one to hide in my own world when the reality gets to me. I can only be gratefull that for me writing that world down means a safe return into and a new pair of pink glasses for a real life.
About the not commenting assumption. I get what you are saying. And you might very well be right. Not commenting doesn´t make the person horrible or anything and I get there are many factors that come to play.
When I say: I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love. I am talking about the fic not being good in the eyes of others, and as you can see yes I am affected by it, but I get over it because if I find the fic worth of posting, then I like it and that´s it. Of course I treasure every comment I recieve so much more.
Another reason for my assumption is that with me writing mostly one pairing, really comments are somehow a barometer of how it was liked, how something in it strikes the reader as particularly memorable, to use your words. But again I shrug and eventually move on, there is always next time.
I am not sure if I am making sense here. Lets just make some kind of conclusion. Commenting is only one of many ways to give feedback to a story, and because I like my stories I want them to be loved by others, that´s why I say it hurts when it seems like no one notices them, let alone think they are worth the time to comment. But this all is my feelings talking. Soon after my common sense kicks in and then when all your arguments come into play, I smile and start anew. Because yes of course I write for myself mainly and am honored by every other person who is willing to give my story a glimpse, a small portion of their time.