I am my own doom
Oct. 13th, 2009 05:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
higure
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I would like to say, that I don´t imagine how others will react. But that would be a lie. Actually maybe only a half of it.
I am no professional. Last time someone tried to teach me something about writing (creative or not) was in high school and that is 5 years ago. Some people back then said I wrote well, that I had imagination, that what I wrote was interesting. Well that was high school, life was easy and I didn´t care about those comments pass the grade it earned me. I always wrote poetry, I loved to do it, it was my emotional filter and I had friends whit which I would meet up and we would read our own stuff to each other. They went to study language in one form or another and they had much more talent than I did and they were free. I never really liked free rhyme. I never really progressed and I lost my illusion. I didn´t have to look far away to see that my writing is shallow, my creativity is limited and I am too bound by my own prejudice. I went to study law. I write contracts, I write briefs I don´t do art. The meetings stopped very soon after high school ended. Not the writing. I just do it for me and for me only, selfishly and freely in my own confined way.
Ok. back to the issue at hand. As Crys, who is to blame for this post, calls it I am raw. My first fan fiction was written during a boring class that lasted 90 minutes. I browsed prompts for Tatsuyathon first 30 minutes of it and managed to finish the story by the end of the class. It had 2466 words. So I am impulsive, usually write a fic in one go and have a very little inclination to change anything once it is done. I never stopped writing poetry, I wrote few original stories (some of them only in my head) and fan fiction became just another way of filtering my emotions. Only this time, someone else got to read it. The reason why I wrote my second and third is because people were incredibly nice to me and encouraged me and some even said it was good. So I wrote some more. I love my fandom :) And i might be a bit of a narcist. Who doesn´t seek an approval?
Now I am more conscious about what I write, about my characterizations, about my style, my format. Not because of me, because I don´t care. Once I finish writing, the fiction fulfill its mission. It may become a reason why I am able to keep an acquaintance or why I am able to keep silent and not fight back my mom. It is done. Then I look at it and read through it and “fix it” for my readers. I think about how the others will react. Still this is me, this is my style, my fantasy, my characters, my world. If you don´t like it, don´t read it, it is your prerogative. I am happy if you do read, if you leave me a comment. I would love someone telling me what is wrong with my fiction and looking back at it I might agree. Or I might not.
I haven´t got much negative comments on my writing. That doesn´t make me a good author. It probably makes me a forgettable and a poor one. One that is not worth of criticism. The critique probably thinks I would not listen or improve anyway. The way to hurt me is to not comment at all. When a fic gets only a comment or two, that´s when I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love.
I reread my old stuff, try not to repeat the mistake I think I made and worry. Worry what others will think. But most of the time I am too stubborn to change my work, only because I think some of you might not like it. This is why I write freely and raw. And then I rant to my sis, all scared no one will think it is any good, that people will think it sucks, about how anxious I am to put it out there. So really I am a stubborn hypocrite. I want approval, I think of others reactions, but I am not willing to compromise. Most of the time.
Now this all changes a bit when I write for someone else specifically and I guess that´s when I improve the most. I research, I read other authors, I bend myself, I try to attend to this person´s needs, I try to fulfill the task I am given, I try to give pleasure. Still I tend to say my works in progress take over me, rule over me and I can´t really control them. Finding a balance is hard. As with anything.
When I read Crys´ post, what stuck in my mind was her talking about no-no´s of writing, of fandom. I don´t know about them, or I ignore them. If someone does tell me about them, either I consider them a constructive criticism and then I will try to take them into consideration or I think they are personal opinions of someone who just doesn´t like my world and I forget them. Even in life I have a philosophy of “bad memory”: I think humans should have bad memory and very selective one, it is useless to dwell on past wrongs and hurtful things. They only make the present bitter. If I am to remember something, be it the good points. I am not saying this is a right way to live and sometimes it is really a hard way to live. But it definitely applies to my raw, completely unprofessional, totally personal and random writing. I write because it is fun, because it keeps me standing and sometimes because one of you challenges me to (by asking, by whining, by something trivial you say).
So I do think about other people´s reaction, but I do not dwell on them and I am the only one who can bring myself down, or who can make myself get better.
Do I make sense here? Is this what the question was? This again is only my raw scribbles without much of premises. Now it is your turn. Because I too am curious right now.
I would like to say, that I don´t imagine how others will react. But that would be a lie. Actually maybe only a half of it.
I am no professional. Last time someone tried to teach me something about writing (creative or not) was in high school and that is 5 years ago. Some people back then said I wrote well, that I had imagination, that what I wrote was interesting. Well that was high school, life was easy and I didn´t care about those comments pass the grade it earned me. I always wrote poetry, I loved to do it, it was my emotional filter and I had friends whit which I would meet up and we would read our own stuff to each other. They went to study language in one form or another and they had much more talent than I did and they were free. I never really liked free rhyme. I never really progressed and I lost my illusion. I didn´t have to look far away to see that my writing is shallow, my creativity is limited and I am too bound by my own prejudice. I went to study law. I write contracts, I write briefs I don´t do art. The meetings stopped very soon after high school ended. Not the writing. I just do it for me and for me only, selfishly and freely in my own confined way.
Ok. back to the issue at hand. As Crys, who is to blame for this post, calls it I am raw. My first fan fiction was written during a boring class that lasted 90 minutes. I browsed prompts for Tatsuyathon first 30 minutes of it and managed to finish the story by the end of the class. It had 2466 words. So I am impulsive, usually write a fic in one go and have a very little inclination to change anything once it is done. I never stopped writing poetry, I wrote few original stories (some of them only in my head) and fan fiction became just another way of filtering my emotions. Only this time, someone else got to read it. The reason why I wrote my second and third is because people were incredibly nice to me and encouraged me and some even said it was good. So I wrote some more. I love my fandom :) And i might be a bit of a narcist. Who doesn´t seek an approval?
Now I am more conscious about what I write, about my characterizations, about my style, my format. Not because of me, because I don´t care. Once I finish writing, the fiction fulfill its mission. It may become a reason why I am able to keep an acquaintance or why I am able to keep silent and not fight back my mom. It is done. Then I look at it and read through it and “fix it” for my readers. I think about how the others will react. Still this is me, this is my style, my fantasy, my characters, my world. If you don´t like it, don´t read it, it is your prerogative. I am happy if you do read, if you leave me a comment. I would love someone telling me what is wrong with my fiction and looking back at it I might agree. Or I might not.
I haven´t got much negative comments on my writing. That doesn´t make me a good author. It probably makes me a forgettable and a poor one. One that is not worth of criticism. The critique probably thinks I would not listen or improve anyway. The way to hurt me is to not comment at all. When a fic gets only a comment or two, that´s when I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love.
I reread my old stuff, try not to repeat the mistake I think I made and worry. Worry what others will think. But most of the time I am too stubborn to change my work, only because I think some of you might not like it. This is why I write freely and raw. And then I rant to my sis, all scared no one will think it is any good, that people will think it sucks, about how anxious I am to put it out there. So really I am a stubborn hypocrite. I want approval, I think of others reactions, but I am not willing to compromise. Most of the time.
Now this all changes a bit when I write for someone else specifically and I guess that´s when I improve the most. I research, I read other authors, I bend myself, I try to attend to this person´s needs, I try to fulfill the task I am given, I try to give pleasure. Still I tend to say my works in progress take over me, rule over me and I can´t really control them. Finding a balance is hard. As with anything.
When I read Crys´ post, what stuck in my mind was her talking about no-no´s of writing, of fandom. I don´t know about them, or I ignore them. If someone does tell me about them, either I consider them a constructive criticism and then I will try to take them into consideration or I think they are personal opinions of someone who just doesn´t like my world and I forget them. Even in life I have a philosophy of “bad memory”: I think humans should have bad memory and very selective one, it is useless to dwell on past wrongs and hurtful things. They only make the present bitter. If I am to remember something, be it the good points. I am not saying this is a right way to live and sometimes it is really a hard way to live. But it definitely applies to my raw, completely unprofessional, totally personal and random writing. I write because it is fun, because it keeps me standing and sometimes because one of you challenges me to (by asking, by whining, by something trivial you say).
So I do think about other people´s reaction, but I do not dwell on them and I am the only one who can bring myself down, or who can make myself get better.
Do I make sense here? Is this what the question was? This again is only my raw scribbles without much of premises. Now it is your turn. Because I too am curious right now.
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no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 07:33 pm (UTC)i envy you for being able to brush off concrit and welcome it. i have never been able to accept it and so i have a policy against it, because i would rather be blissfully ignorant than remember that negativity for the rest of my life. at least if something is mentioned in passing on a friend's post or in conversation, there's a chance i will forget about it. but fic reviews last forever, even if i physically delete them.
the only other thing i want to address is your assumption that the number of comments is preportionate to how well the fic was written. especially if you write less popular pairings, there aren't going to be many people who read the fic in the first place, let alone decide to comment on it. i almost never comment on fic unless it's for me, or something in it strikes me as particularly memorable. that doesn't mean i didn't like it. you can look at my rec list of probably 500 fics and see that i commented to maybe 20. if that makes me a horrible person, i'm sorry, but i'm not going to make excuses for not commenting. maybe i was busy, maybe i was tired. maybe i was feeling like ass and didn't want to unleash my pissiness in my comment.
what i'm trying to say is not that you're wrong for thinking that way, but that it's actually possible that either not many people read it for whatever reasons or that they didn't have time/desire to comment, and that doesn't reflect badly on the fic at all. i like to look at it like everyone who commented took a couple minutes (or for me, a half hour XD) out of their busy days to not only read my fic, but to comment and tell me what they liked about it. at the end of the day i do write for myself or whoever i'm writing for, so it's always surprising to me when people i don't know comment positively. it makes up for all the negativity i've experienced in the past.
that was an essay, sorry. ^^ i sincerely hope that you stay "raw" in your writing and never become jaded like me. XD
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 07:53 pm (UTC)Now I know where does this talent comes from and yes, I said "talent". I don't care what others say.
I'm one who's bitter because I dwell on past, but I know it's your opinion and that doesn't mean you were telling people like me to stop it. It's not good, I know, but I can't help it. I still live you for saying things like that. Because you try and be positive for others and where am I heading anyway? F*ck it....
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 08:05 pm (UTC)Writing as an emotional filter - writing means creating
a whole new world, and I am sure I am not the only one to hide in my own world when the reality gets to me. I can only be gratefull that for me writing that world down means a safe return into and a new pair of pink glasses for a real life.
About the not commenting assumption. I get what you are saying. And you might very well be right. Not commenting doesn´t make the person horrible or anything and I get there are many factors that come to play.
When I say: I know it wasn´t that great. It wasn´t up to the expectations of people reading. Paradox -ly sometimes it is the fic I had great time writing and that I personally love. I am talking about the fic not being good in the eyes of others, and as you can see yes I am affected by it, but I get over it because if I find the fic worth of posting, then I like it and that´s it. Of course I treasure every comment I recieve so much more.
Another reason for my assumption is that with me writing mostly one pairing, really comments are somehow a barometer of how it was liked, how something in it strikes the reader as particularly memorable, to use your words. But again I shrug and eventually move on, there is always next time.
I am not sure if I am making sense here. Lets just make some kind of conclusion. Commenting is only one of many ways to give feedback to a story, and because I like my stories I want them to be loved by others, that´s why I say it hurts when it seems like no one notices them, let alone think they are worth the time to comment. But this all is my feelings talking. Soon after my common sense kicks in and then when all your arguments come into play, I smile and start anew. Because yes of course I write for myself mainly and am honored by every other person who is willing to give my story a glimpse, a small portion of their time.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 08:07 pm (UTC)And really we have discussed the "talent" before! And not everyone is so airheaded when dealing with past and that is ok too ... You are just that much stronger because instead of forgeting you face it and fight with it!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-13 10:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 01:50 am (UTC)I like to think I am similar in some ways. I also seek approval but I am my first and most important audience. I write primarily to my own tastes. As such, I am usually unwilling to change something once I have written it. It's for this reason that I do not seek content editing or "constructive criticism", which seems to me like thinly veiled, or sometimes completely unveiled, attempts to tell me what is 'wrong' with my writing.
The one thing I do pride myself on is my deep understanding of the mechanics of the English language. My grammar is excellent, sometimes outstanding, and because I am so focused on it I often have difficulty enjoying the writing of those for whom English grammar is new or difficult.
However, through livejournal networking, I have recently made friends for whom English is not their first language and it's been a challenge for me to attempt to look past elementary mistakes in grammar to the things in a piece of fiction that tell me more about the author's point-of-view than their knowledge of English such as characterization, plot development, pacing, the involvement and description of emotion, etc.
One thing I really enjoy about your writing is that presence of raw emotion. I really loved how in the Ryo/Shige fic you wrote for me, Shige's feelings were right there in the open, waiting to be shared by the reader. I was right there in it with him. It's wonderful that you can bring that kind of emotion to your writing. I think it is something for which we all strive.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 06:46 am (UTC)Content editing in the light of all I said is hard to accept. But sometimes I would love to have it, because really there are times when I just don´t know, especially when writing for someone specific. I do not have a stable beta though and so I just bug my sister. We have this way of going through each other´s fics, and sometimes I just feel like posting it with her comments. When she puts LOL into brackets somewhere I am gushing, but she also says stuff like: “No idea what are you saying, but you are right.”, or “Would you please use different word, this one drives me crazy ...” Oh and then we argue over MSN whether she is right or not! That´s about how close to content editing I get.
Grammar! The never ending trouble! I envy you for being good at it, for being able to rely on it. I am not a native speaker and in many ways it is limiting and I probably feel it more than anybody else. Trying to avoid idioms that exist in Slovak, but not in English, trying to structure a sentence correctly, oh and articles, which we just don´t have so I am so lost! Broadening the vocab, tenses, commas .... argh! My sister studies English and again if she reads my things or I read hers we end up on MSN, googling, looking through grammar tips, ... well at least this way I learn something new every time I write. Still it is hard to transfer my passive knowledge into the active one, to use what I know can be used.
Now that to be said, I have low tolerance (unfortunately) for some other writers who write while they have problems with basic grammar as the change of verb in 3rd person, or use of a correct tense ... I can only imagine how distracting it can be for a native speaker with good grammar knowledge on top of it. Again my sister has a recipe for that. If she reads a story like that and she feels it could be a really good one, she likes the plot, the humor, something, she copy-pastes it into Word, does a private "beta", fixes the biggest mistakes and then she enjoys! I think she is amazing for that, because, exactly, she looks past the grammar, past the form and recognizes a good story for what it is.
So I am sorry if my grammar ever drives you crazy I do try as I think most of the people do, I think that the biggest problem we all have is that by the time you finish a story you practically know it by heart and you don´t notice the mistakes anymore because in your head all is perfect!
And thanks for liking that Ryo/Shige *___*, I do enjoy writing one of the characters a bit blunt about their emotions, although in certain sense it does make them much more vulnerable. On the other hand, in some stories, I have tried (and probably will try again) to show how the characters feel through their actions, the small insignificant things they do, how they react. For me, sometimes it is fun to read between the lines. I hope to once write a story that others will feel despite me not really telling them how they should ...
This got awfully long, sorry! Again I am thankful for you sharing your thoughts with me, it is a pretty enriching experience!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 07:02 am (UTC)Oh! But that's what I love!
Regarding your grammar: honestly, yes, sometimes it bugs me a little. But, and I really want to stress this, I like you and I like your stories so I try to get past it. I do realize that there are more important things than grammar. It would be really sad not to enjoy a great story just because of tense changes or article usage. That said, please feel free to ask if you have questions or would like a second opinion about grammar or idioms in English, but certainly don't feel as though I think you must run things past me.
The issues with idioms not translating well is really prevalent with not native speakers who write in English. Idioms are one of my favorite parts of language. They tell you a lot about the culture that speaks the language. I'd love to hear about idioms that you have in Slovak that don't exist in English!
Don't worry about apologizing for long comments! Conversations can be as long or short as they need to be to get the point across.
no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 08:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 08:46 am (UTC)Awesome!
no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 06:43 pm (UTC)I really glad and proud of you coz you have the +ve behavior, you know, +ve thinking.. really different from me.
& you got a great talent dear, something that not everyone have it.. & I think to be a good writer is just to be your true self, write anything you wanted to, like you always do.. XD
no subject
Date: 2009-10-14 10:47 pm (UTC)